It wasn’t all 3D glasses and Rainbow Brite, though. I ran into a rough patch of self-doubt on Saturday. Between school, work, the house, the blog, I have no time to recover from being sick, much less hang out with people, in person or online. An old friend, one I haven’t seen in 9 or 10 years, contacted me this week. I could have spent all of Saturday catching up with her over IM or email, but instead I spent the day studying and doing homework.

I’m not whining. Okay, I am, but that’s not my intent. I really do enjoy school, and the sense of accomplishment is incredible. There’s not a whole lot I would change about my life as it is now, and I’m working on changing the things I would like to be different. I also know that there will be other weekends for karaoke, and I can catch up with Keri via email over lunch. Every so often though, I have my moments. World too big, I too small.

I take a breath, I snuggle a gorilla, and I move on.

What a fabulous way to keep myself entertained…except that this sort of thing happens in my life on a strangely regular basis. For example:

What would happen if we stopped paying rent and bought a house?
This question arose about 3 months before our lease was up. The complex was under new management, and the increase in our rent would have meant a total rent increase of almost $400 in three years. We looked and looked and ended up settling 1 week before our lease was up. When we add up both of our mortgages (80/20 split), taxes, insurance, and all of our utilities here, we’re actually paying less than we would have been if we had stayed at the apartment. We wouldn’t have had to deal with issues like the frozen water main we had over the winter, but at least our house isn’t ant-infested like the entire apartment complex is. I’ll take frozen pipes over ant colonies any day.

What would happen if I decided to finish my bachelor’s degree?
I thought it would make life crazy. I was right, but only partially. What it did for me was bring my priorities into sharp focus. Work is less important, and I’m able to leave it at the office. Now that I need to fit more into my days, I can – it’s amazing what I get done on the weekends between 7 and 10 am. I know what I want – simplicity, flexibility, financial stability – and I’m working on getting there.

What would happen if we decided to move to Iowa?
A few months ago, Mer was researching BA CS degrees (yes, they do exist), and found this odd school out in Iowa that had a lot of what she was looking for. I poked at the site and saw that there were things there I could study also. We both did a bit of research and found that with the lower cost of living, scholarships, lack of need for a car, etc., we could not only move to Iowa, we could be full-time students in Iowa. Iowa is now out of the picture, but this experience also helped define where we want out of life and where we’re headed, to the point where one or both of us may work part-time, or leave the work force altogether, in order to finish school. It’s far from certain, but that fact that we *could* do that if we wanted to is an amazing feeling.

My point, if there is one, is that playing “What if?” can be not only fun, but an amazing way to see all the things that are actually possible if you open yourself up to them. It’s also testament to the fact that the universe really does provide, if you let it.

I’m busy, but I’m finding a sense of contentment in the chaos.  I feel as if I’ve finally found a path that lets me be me while still getting where I want to be – something I hadn’t really considered possible in years past.  I can be a stress pup when it’s useful, and enjoy life a bit more when it’s not.  In the words of Annie, “I think I’m gonna like it here.”

And that’s my random spiritual bent for the day.  Have yourself a moment of zen.